


i am a fire and i must burn today

by bpddennis



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Angst, Cuddles, M/M, bittersweet stuff, im so sad why wont these two admit their dumb feelings, s13, self deprecating dennis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-25 10:37:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16195829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bpddennis/pseuds/bpddennis
Summary: there is nothing quite like home.and for dennis, home is a beat up bar. it is not taking his meds. home is his range rover. and home is the philadelphia sunset trickling into mac's eyes as he throws his head back and almost snort-laughs at something charlie says.





	i am a fire and i must burn today

home.

there is nothing quite like home.

and for dennis, home is a beat up bar. it is not taking his meds. home is his range rover. and home is the philadelphia sunset trickling into mac's eyes as he throws his head back and almost snort-laughs at something charlie says. 

yep, there is nothing like it. 

so why does the whole situation make dennis' wrist itch, make his head pound, make his heart throb?

it's something in the air, something they're not talking about. 

he left. for awhile, mind you. he left for some time only to come back to see that maybe everyone's lives were just damn peachy. maybe dee, charlie, frank - mac - maybe they were all adequate enough without dennis. and why shouldn't they? dennis is a fucking tornado. dennis always has been. he's got this nasty rage, this disgusting temper. and they shouldn't be subjected to someone like him. 

so it's hard being home. being around his twin fucking sister and not even knowing how she's been doing for the past 9 months. not knowing she's learned how to crochet. and yeah, that's fucking stupid, because who gives a damn about a hobby made for withering old women? but still, dennis didn't know. and everyone else did.

mac apparently has been helping charlie become literate, and it's not a lost cause. 

frank is - fine, frank. nothing new there. but still, everyone was without a doubt doing just superb without dennis' manipulating tendencies. 

and mac just seems - happy. content. he looks good; dennis would be a liar if he said mac looked bad. he looks phenomenal. dennis wants to say it. he wants to say these words that just feel like absolute bile. why is it so hard to look mac in the eyes and just -- admit. admit it all. admit these past 20 years have all been wasted by dennis being a coward.

so, when dennis comes home, he locks it all up. he insults them. tell's mac he's put on weight, and not the good kind of weight. he humiliates them. and he tells mac:

it's never gonna happen.

never gonna happen.

mac seems alright about it. 

dennis feels his heart sink into his stomach. he goes to bed that night secretly clad in one of mac's old hoodies. hell, mac probably couldn't fit into it now. his arms would burst out of it. 

dennis holds himself that night because it's all he can do. mac won't hold him because dennis implied he didn't want him to.

dennis is in control. dennis isn't on his meds. but dennis doesn't have to be. and dennis doesn't need mac. 

 

just like mac probably doesn't need dennis. it doesn't matter, though. 

 

/////

 

"i'm tellin' ya, mac, i think i could actually go to one of those colleges, like, how hard is it actually? all you gotta do is show up, sit down, write some stuff, say some words, and leave." charlie rambles to mac as he eagerly scribbles sentences down. mac is sipping a beer and reading charlie's upside down writing. 

"sure, buddy, you're damn right." mac pretends to agree as he mentally corrects charlie's grammar and syntax errors.

dennis fumes next to mac. "charlie, you have about as much of a chance of getting through a semester of college as dee does becoming a famous actress." he scoffs.

"hey, i could be a great actress still." dee defends.

"exactly my point." dennis points his beer bottle towards her and smirks. dee throws back a scowl. 

"no one asked you to come back from south dakota, you know." she fires. charlie has stopped his writing and looks up, fiddling with the pencil in his fingers. 

dennis rolls his eyes. "north dakota, bird. but how could i let my fellow minions be left to their own devices? someone had to come back and take the reigns." he shrugs and sips his beer. 

"y'know, how i see it is you were the one who was feeling sad and mopey all by yourself and decided to crawl back here for us to inflate your ego again." dennis always forgets that dee is made of the same manipulative, horrible qualities as him. 

 

"whatever. at least i don't look like a bird." dennis weakly laughs, and mac and charlie seem disinterested. they go back to writing. dee smirks to herself and tilts her head smugly at her twin brother. 

dennis wants to explode. he retreats to the apartment. 

 

he mopes around on the couch for awhile. things didn't use to feel this way. dennis honestly believes he is the glue of this group. without him, they'd all be in jail, or in court, or dead. shouldn't he be correct in saying he's the ring leader?

it's his fault; he's the one that left and threw everything off balance. but god damn it, why don't they care that he's back? why don't those idiots fall at their knees for him again? why don't they treat him like the royalty he is? he's capable of so much, and they should fear him.

he is lying to himself but he just can't stop. 

 

he drags himself to the fridge for more beer. something on the counter top makes his blood freeze. he halts in front of the object.

the flowers in a stupid plastic cup.

the note.

"xx nathan"

who the hell is nathan? and why does he buy mac ridiculous flowers to put in a disgusting cup?

he feels his head spin and he can't possibly comprehend anything he'd feeling. he just can't. he just can't pictures these things right now - this nathan idiot giving mac flowers - maybe looking at mac the same way dennis looked at mac when he received his rpg. 

 

the apartment door opens abruptly. mac enters, of course. dennis' world stops spinning momentarily. 

"hey, dennis. what's going on?" mac's got that cheerful, puppy dog smile on his stupid face. dennis wants to kiss it off. or slap it off. this is fucking ridiculous.

"h-hey." he clears his throat. it hurts. "what is this?" his hands are on his hips, gripping for any sort of balance, and he tilts his head to the flowers as a gesture. 

"oh. just - just somethin' from this guy i've been kinda seein' here and there. i think they were to win me over. dunno, dude," he laughs weakly to clear the awkwardness. 

"i see." there's this lump in dennis' throat that he just can't swallow. like a little reminder: you forever have to live with what you've done. you will never have mac. you will never have mac because you are a bad person. and sure so is mac. but you are a malicious, disgusting, terrible, awful, inconsiderate person. and you will always have to live with the fact that he is better without you. 

 

he can't swallow it. 

 

he doesn't see the look on mac's face when he rushes out of the apartment, cheeks scalding with rage. 

 

////

 

dennis eventually has to go back to the apartment. he's not low enough to sleep in the fucking bar. he's not about to bother dee some more, especially after their little dispute today. and he really would not be able to stomach the environment of charlie and frank's apartment. 

he thinks of what it would be like to tell mac he loves him on the drive back. a cage the elephant song trails out of the speakers at a low volume. 

 

when he walks back into the apartment, mac is asleep on the couch. he has one arm thrown across his stomach and one supporting the back of his head. his eyelashes glimmer from the illuminating tv screen. 

 

dennis slowly approaches the couch. he could go to bed. or he could wake mac up. or he could just leave again; maybe deal with this some other time.

or he could pretend it's 2006 again. or 2009. or high school. or whatever time appropriate to do what he does next. 

he slowly lowers his body in between the couch and mac's body so his back is pressed against the cushions and he's facing mac - who obviously begins to wake up due to dennis' movements. 

"den?"

den. something gross and pathetic flutters in dennis' chest.

"can you just - not say anything. please. for just tonight. i need to feel - fuck. i need to feel like i didn't ruin everyone's life and i need to feel like we're okay and that i'm not a bad person. just for like, a few hours." dennis rambles and buries his head against mac. mac is quiet for a second, and dennis doesn't even think he breathes at first.

"i don't think you're a bad person." he finally murmurs. 

dennis laughs humorlessly. 

"den. you're my best friend. okay, even when you hate me, even when you go to south dakota-"

"north dakota."

"shut up. the point is, you're dennis. and that's - that's enough for me. that's it."

dennis thinks to himself 'i love you. i always have.' he doesn't utter the words. he never will. 

 

he snuggles closer to mac. 

"and you didn't ruin my life. ever." mac scoffs. "that's crazy."

 

dennis feels his eyes getting hot. he gets a taste of what his entire life could have been like if he wasn't so god damn stupid. 

 

"but dude, if you're gonna sleep here, take your jeans off, 'cause they're really irritating and rough."

 

dennis shimmies out of his jeans. the heat of mac's legs transfer to dennis' cold ones. 

 

dennis thinks to himself for the thousandth time this week, 'i love you.'

"alright, night, dude." 

and dennis pretends he doesn't feel mac's hand tighten around his waist. 

because that's all his life has been - pretending.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on the ol tumblr @plaiddennis
> 
> title credit: i can see the pines are dancing // aa bondy


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